I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
