Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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