yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
