you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
