I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
