Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
