Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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