At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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