I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
