i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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