Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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