i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
