guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize