I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
