He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
