he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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