I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
