best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
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