So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i drank out of a bidet.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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