The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
