I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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