now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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