Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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