i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
