So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
