I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
