Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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