I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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