I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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