you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
