he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
