I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
