I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
