Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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