My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
