yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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