I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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