4 words: hood of his car
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
