Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
