I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I could make wine with my vomit
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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