I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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