i just wanna soil my oats bro
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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