3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
