Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
