He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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