Im at strip club and am horny
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
