When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize