you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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