I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
