When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize