I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
