Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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