Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
