I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just found a bag of teeth...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
